My friend, Susan, was HEATED. We were out for dinner, and someone remarked "Oh that's so nice of your husband to babysit tonight!"
Susan retorted: “He’s not BABYSITTING. He’s PARENTING. He’s the other PARENT.”
Ever felt this way about the division of labor at home?
According to The Burnout Study in Women, less than 18% of respondents were “completely” or” very satisfied” with the division of labor in their homes. And? That imbalance was directly tied to burnout.
But getting a fairer division of labor is TOUGH (Raise your hand if you’ve had fights about this at home). So, I brought in relationship expert and couples’ therapist, Katie Gohde.
What’s different about this time? You’ll switch from delegating – to alignment. You’ll also create more of a partnership – not your partner “helping”, but instead, owning their roles. And? You’ll say EXACTLY what you need to reduce your mental load.
How to create a healthier division of labor at home – when prior attempts haven’t worked
Start with an appreciation.
- Something small – “I loved how you brought me the coffee this morning – it really started my day so nicely”. “I really appreciate how you handle the bills” … “the repairs around the house” … “the coordinating the kids’ baseball” …ANYTHING you’re grateful for.
Share a common pain point – and solution – with a new concept.
- “I know we’ve been really stressed lately, and I would like to take a moment to get on the same page on roles and priorities”
- Share this concept: Katie advises her clients to share this concept from renowned business leader and author of 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family, Patrick Lencioni, as the WHY to show your spouse that this matters. Lencioni notes that if companies operated like families, they would go out of business. Instead of having discussions about roles, in families we tend to “wing it” – which leads to one person who by default juggles everything. Now, you’ll be very deliberate about who does what – and check-ins afterward.
Go through core goals.
- “Instead of just diving into what we should do, and delegating, I think it would help for us to take a moment and really get on the same page on priorities”.
- What is core to you as a couple/family? Careers? Children’s’ education? Children’s’ activities? Time spent together? Time spent on your respective hobbies? What REALLY matters to you two? What is the family culture you want?
- Can you cut anything? Are there any items that you’re spending time on (or fighting about) that are NOT core? Things sneak into our lives because we think we should do them. I was stressing about trouble scheduling uber-complicated Santa pictures and videos – and it was my hubs who kindly helped me realize these were NOT a priority.
Give a CLEAR request.
- Now that you’re a little more on the same page and feeling like a partnership, redistribute tasks that feel unbalanced.
- Don’t say “I just need help!” – Say SPECIFICALLY what you need them to do: “I would love for you to take ownership of…” either a single task or choose from a handful of items: anything from “I need more help with the kids in the afternoon,” to “I’d like you to handle all of the utility bills and communications” to “I’d like you to do carpool so I can make dinner / stay later at work”.
Set a timeline. Agree on a timeline for WHEN tasks will be done. It’s not enough to say “yeah, I got it”. Respond with “Ok, I’m glad – when should we circle back on this?”, notes Katie. Set deadlines – and times for checking in.
Go out and try! This list does not have to be perfect to start.
Circle back!What’s working? What’s not? Remember the goal is not to have one successful conversation. The goal is to get on the same page and re-evaluate/discuss as time goes on. (Just think – No organization would assume a “one and done” conversation could lead to success.)
Keys to success this time around
Hear requests from your spouse.
- Hear your spouse – is there something they’d like you to take on?
- Really listen. Even if it feels like you’re doing the heavy load, they probably have their own list of frustrations. Try to get into their shoes. (Katie calls this “pushing the “You’re Not Crazy” button” to validate each other).
Don’t score-keep when it comes to division of labor.
- Do your best to balance tasks, but not by “score-keeping” or tracking minutes. In our home, my husband handles kiddos’ night-time wakeups, since I have a harder time falling back asleep. We don’t *measure* those minutes, but in my book, he gets extra credit.
Minimize “fine, I’ll do it”.
- If one of you feels this way too often, that breeds resentment – and dropped tasks. Either go back to the alignment, try to make the task easier, or swap it.
When you disagree on priorities…
- You won’t agree on absolutely EVERYTHING – especially non-core priorities. In those cases, the person who values it more (or for whom it’s a “passion project”) may agree to own that. If one spouse wants a cleaner home, they may agree to “own” this (with the less neat one agreeing to their best) or hire someone. But, Katie notes, do it with willingness – “when you agree to own something because it matters more to you than the family, avoid taking on a martyr perspective”.
Make it clear that owning a task means they’re project manager.
- If your partner takes on a task, make it clear that you’re not managing timelines, doling out the next “task”, or making decisions. Otherwise, you still carry the mental load of the task. Owning a task means that your partner managed ALL of those things. Make it clear that they’re the only one on this task – which may help them understand that “I just forgot” is no longer acceptable. Still happening? Katie notes that sometimes this is a totally valid reason to seek help together.
Still struggling with division of labor? We have an upcoming post on gaining leverage to empower you both.
All our love,
All our love,
- Dr. Darria
- + Katie
P.S. Loved this? Feel like you’re going to need more on division of labor? We’ll be doing more! What are your pain points?
P.P.S. Want to get to the root of YOUR burnout? Take our data-driven “What’s causing your burnout (and what to do about it) quiz.
Katie Gohde is an Atlanta-based therapist at Renew + Restore, speaker, writer, and mom of two.
My friend, Susan, was HEATED. We were out for dinner, and someone remarked “Oh that’s so nice of your husband to babysit tonight!”
Susan retorted: “He’s not BABYSITTING. He’s PARENTING. He’s the other PARENT.”
Ever felt this way about the division of labor at home?
According to The Burnout Study in Women, less than 18% of respondents were “completely” or” very satisfied” with the division of labor in their homes. And? That imbalance was directly tied to burnout.
But getting a fairer division of labor is TOUGH (Raise your hand if you’ve had fights about this at home). So, I brought in relationship expert and couples’ therapist, Katie Gohde.
What’s different about this time? You’ll switch from delegating – to alignment. You’ll also create more of a partnership – not your partner “helping”, but instead, owning their roles. And? You’ll say EXACTLY what you need to reduce your mental load.
How to create a healthier division of labor at home – when prior attempts haven’t worked:
- Start with an appreciation.
- Something small – “I loved how you brought me the coffee this morning – it really started my day so nicely”. “I really appreciate how you handle the bills” … “the repairs around the house” … “the coordinating the kids’ baseball” …ANYTHING you’re grateful for.
- Share a common pain point – and solution with a new concept
- “I know we’ve been really stressed lately, and I would like to take a moment to get on the same page on roles and priorities”
- Share this concept: Katie advises her clients to share this concept from renowned business leader and author of 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family, Patrick Lencioni, as the WHY to show your spouse that this matters. Lencioni notes that if companies operated like families, they would go out of business. Instead of having discussions about roles, in families we tend to “wing it” – which leads to one person who by default juggles everything. Now, you’ll be very deliberate about who does what – and check-ins afterward.
- Go through core goals:
- “Instead of just diving into what we should do, and delegating, I think it would help for us to take a moment and really get on the same page on priorities”.
- What is core to you as a couple/family? Careers? Children’s’ education? Children’s’ activities? Time spent together? Time spent on your respective hobbies? What REALLY matters to you two? What is the family culture you want?
- Can you cut anything? Are there any items that you’re spending time on (or fighting about) that are NOT core? Things sneak into our lives because we think we should do them. I was stressing about trouble scheduling uber-complicated Santa pictures and videos – and it was my hubs who kindly helped me realize these were NOT a priority.
- Give a CLEAR request
- Now that you’re a little more on the same page and feeling like a partnership, redistribute tasks that feel unbalanced.
- Don’t say “I just need help!” – Say SPECIFICALLY what you need them to do: “I would love for you to take ownership of…” either a single task or choose from a handful of items: anything from “I need more help with the kids in the afternoon,” to “I’d like you to handle all of the utility bills and communications” to “I’d like you to do carpool so I can make dinner / stay later at work”.
- Set a timeline. Agree on a timeline for WHEN tasks will be done. It’s not enough to say “yeah, I got it”. Respond with “Ok, I’m glad – when should we circle back on this?”, notes Katie. Set deadlines – and times for checking in.
- Go out and try! This list does not have to be perfect to start.
- Circle back!What’s working? What’s not? Remember the goal is not to have one successful conversation. The goal is to get on the same page and re-evaluate/discuss as time goes on. (Just think – No organization would assume a “one and done” conversation could lead to success.)
Keys to success this time around:
- Hear requests from your spouse.
- Hear your spouse – is there something they’d like you to take on?
- Really listen. Even if it feels like you’re doing the heavy load, they probably have their own list of frustrations. Try to get into their shoes. (Katie calls this “pushing the “You’re Not Crazy” button” to validate each other).
- Don’t score-keep when it comes to division of labor: Do your best to balance tasks, but not by “score-keeping” or tracking minutes. In our home, my husband handles kiddos’ night-time wakeups, since I have a harder time falling back asleep. We don’t *measure* those minutes, but in my book, he gets extra credit.
- Minimize “fine, I’ll do it”. If one of you feels this way too often, that breeds resentment – and dropped tasks. Either go back to the alignment, try to make the task easier, or swap it.
- When you disagree on priorities: You won’t agree on absolutely EVERYTHING – especially non-core priorities. In those cases, the person who values it more (or for whom it’s a “passion project”) may agree to own that. If one spouse wants a cleaner home, they may agree to “own” this (with the less neat one agreeing to their best) or hire someone. But, Katie notes, do it with willingness – “when you agree to own something because it matters more to you than the family, avoid taking on a martyr perspective”.
- Make it clear that owning a task means they’re project manager. If your partner takes on a task, make it clear that you’re not managing timelines, doling out the next “task”, or making decisions. Otherwise, you still carry the mental load of the task. Owning a task means that your partner managed ALL of those things. Make it clear that they’re the only one on this task – which may help them understand that “I just forgot” is no longer acceptable. Still happening? Katie notes that sometimes this is a totally valid reason to seek help together.
Still struggling with division of labor? We have an upcoming post on gaining leverage to empower you both.
All our love,
Dr. Darria + Katie
P.S. Loved this? Feel like you’re going to need more on division of labor? We’ll be doing more! What are your pain points?
P.P.S. Want to get to the root of YOUR burnout? Take our data-driven “What’s causing your burnout (and what to do about it) quiz.
Katie Gohde is an Atlanta-based therapist at Renew + Restore, speaker, writer, and mom of two.
